Anticipation

Sometimes I dream
About how easy it would be
To split your life open with a word

The thrill of it curls in the twist of my gut
Plays in the corners of my mouth
And hangs in the air
New and exciting
Like the unworn dress in a wardrobe
Waiting for the right occasion

I wonder if it’s thrill you felt
When you fucked my young body to the quick
And said it would’ve been “quite nice” if I’d been a virgin

When you wanted it again
And I didn’t say no because I wanted you to think I was grown up

In the morning, sore
I drank the wine I’d left the night before
Because I didn’t want to be rude and I didn’t know the rules

Will I push the red button?
It’s taken twenty years for it to bleed into my line of vision
Now a blaring siren I can’t shut off

The not-knowing’s worse for you, I bet
And there are still so many years ahead

The unknown number
The shadow on the corner
The sharp rap of knuckles at the door

Policeman in the classroom

Who has all the power now?