Café Shit

The orchids in the coffee shop smell like piss and I can’t concentrate
I switch tables
A man asks if this seat is taken
Razorlight is playing
It’s loud 
Every time I try to write in a café, I immediately need a shit
It’ll be nice, change of environment, get out the house blablabla
No, I hate it, why aren’t I at home
With my dog and my kettle and my toilet
I try to hold it
Double-cross my legs on the too-tall stool
Pinch
The internet drops in and out
This coffee’s so strong
It’s too thick, I can’t finish it
Focus
Type something
Nah, gotta go
Unplug your laptop, leave your coat to save your too-tall stool, no one will nick it here, don’t put your phone in your back pocket or it’ll fall in the toilet like that time at Nat’s party 15 years ago
The only bog’s engaged
Watch the crescent moon of red lock, wait
Two men chat as they queue for their coffees
One of them wears glasses
The other wants to know how Clemmo’s getting on
Is it okay to lean awkwardly in this doorway or not
Hug my laptop to my chest
Breathe
The lock clicks green
The barista that made my horrible coffee comes out
We exchange grotesque loo smiles 
Lock the door
It’s dark, where’s the light
There it is
Good that she turned it off, not everyone does that
The door is definitely locked
Put my laptop on the fold-out baby changer
That’s fine isn’t it, I’m sure that’s fine
Lift the lid
Yellow
She didn’t flush
She must really care about the environment, that’s cool, I don’t mind, it doesn’t stink, she must drink a lot of water
The girl before you’s done a wee
Just a dainty wee
There are droplets on the seat, pearlescent
Wipe them up
Trousers down
Life is such a scream
I hate taking a shit out the house
Just spread your cheeks and bear down
Nothing’s moving
Close your eyes
Heave ho
Here we go
Make a tissue nest
To muffle the plop
There’s no way you can complete this, let alone enjoy it
People are waiting outside the door already, I can hear them
Someone tries the handle
Fuck OFF
Sweating
Push push push
I’m so proud of you
Okay, that’s a decent result
As good as you’re going to get in here
Stand
That doesn’t look healthy, have you eaten any greens this week
Clean wipe
Well I never
I think of my friend saying “poo particles”, close the lid
Flush the loo before you pull your pants up so they don’t think you’ve spent any longer shitting than you actually have
Accidentally wash my hands with hand lotion
Fuck’s sake
Skip the hand dryer, it’s a festering hub for germs
Use loo roll, not very good for the environment but here we are
I bet that girl wiped her hands on her apron
The pedal bin opens like butterfly wings, lovely
Used sannies wrapped liked gifts
Laptop
Unlock door
Turn the light off I guess
Don’t look at the people
They will never know you’ve done a turd
Get your coat and go home, you know you want to
I hope the barista with the pearlescent wee won’t be upset that I didn’t drink my coffee